I understand that Saturday afternoon is the equivalent of Chernobyl for Television and cable stations. Just after the last Saturday morning cartoon finishes and before the game there is absolutely nothing on. So I can understand how something like Bibleman oozed its way onto the air. What I didnt know was that Bibleman has been around for at least ten years. And to be honest with you, I could of slept better at night if I had remained oblivious to this fact.
I dont care if there are shows out there preaching to people. I dont have anything against Religion. You have the right to say what youre going to say, and I have the right to turn that channel faster than Stella flopped. Just dont tell Comedy Central about that last part. They still cling to the idea that Michael Ian Black is funny. We will also ignore the fact that the people behind Bibleman and their fans would possibly have the FCC and conservative Republicans crush our secular programming than flip the chann el themselves. In the case of Bibleman though, I dont think these people should be let off the hook.
I wouldnt mind the show if it had some balls. You know, make Bibleman a raging alcoholic with a dingy office next to a strip club, and have episodes with him going into hell every so often to slap Hitler and Stalin around with his penis. Instead youve got some old guy running around in a suit that looked like it was inspired by an acid induced viewing of Robocop. Instead of saying things like Im going to rip your heart out and eat it for Jesus, you get lines like Bibleman is victim of a plot to make him disobey God! And while that line may make George Bush Jr. clap his hands in delight, it makes the rest of us wretch.
Even the villains, the sign of a great superhero show, are as bad as the poorly written, self-important hate mail I sometimes get. Instead of Satan, complete with thirty heads and a Boston Red Sox cap, we have this guy who looks like a gay version of the Borg from Star Trek. How do we know hes gay? Because of his mannerisms, his constant attempts to give fashion advice to Bibleman, and a quick cut to Bibleman in bondage having something awkward done to him during an episode with this character. Not to mention on the Bibleman website all of his villains are described as flamboyant. What kind of message are we being sent from this show? That muscular men in purple suits can beat up gay people in homoerotic encounters because the Bible says he can?
The theme song is on par with a high pitch squeal on repeat for eternity. And we know how enjoyable that is. Not only does the theme song suck, but also Bibleman again pumps the Star Trek well by ripping off the transporters. He even goes the extra mile and rips off George Lucass light saber for his weapon. The creators of the show were smart enough to not use the Star Wars sound effect. But they might as well use it at this rate. Do you really think George Lucas is going to pick a fight with Jesus Christ in the media?
Not only is Bibleman a homophobe, hes also an out and out racist. His partner Cipher is black, and every time Cipher says something Bibleman blows him off or just repeats what Cipher just said as his own idea. This doesnt add to the comedy of the show. It is another example of a white man ripping off a black mans good ideas. And to make matters worse, Bibleman went out and found a Latino girl to be Bible girl. Who, you guessed it, acts like a stereotypical Latino woman. Dont you love how loving and accepting the producers of this show are?
The rampant product placement in this show is outrageous. Almost every scene somehow manages to include a shot of Biblemans own bible, which you can probably purchase if you look hard enough. Where does the money go for this bible? Not to a charity for blind orphans! Not to animal shelters for Dalmatians after the Disney craze ended! I wish the producers of this show would create a fund for people who accidentally watched episodes of Bibleman and had a stroke.
This whole show smacks of low profile and low cost management. Do you know who Bibleman is? No! Of course not. Because you have s former cocaine addict, Willie Aames as Bibleman. Some of you might know Mr. Aames as Buddy from Charles in Charge. And what did Aames do after his fifteen minutes were up beating up gay people, doing blow, and preaching about Jesus in this show? He went on VH1s Celebrity Fit Club. The producers could have gone for a star, or at least someone who seriously believed the stuff they were spewing on the show. Instead they gave us Buddy. I wonder what Charles thinks about all this?
The bottom line here is that a show that promotes racism, intolerance, includes product placement for something that is supposed to be free (the Bible), and sucks harder than a late night meal at Dennys. It is a total disservice to the Religion, and I even argue the show makes Jerry Falwell appealing. Nothing this bad should be allowed on Television.
-Brandon J. Mendelson Host of The Brandon Show Television show, author of The Brandon Show syndicated column.
http://www.thebrandonshow.com
Author:: Brandon Mendelson
Keywords:: Bibleman, Religion, God, Jesus christ, Jesus, Television, Movies, bad teleivison shows, Rants,
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